Thinking of You
by The Queen of Double Standards
Summary: I tried to move on, Gumi. I truly did. I got a boyfriend, and you got a girlfriend. You may have fallen in love again, but I haven't. Each time he kisses me, I can only think of you. Oneshot. GumiRin, GakuRin, LilyGumi.


**Thinking of You**

_Yes, I do regret  
__How I could let myself let you go  
__Now the lesson's learned  
__I touched and I was burned  
__I think you should know  
__Cause when I'm with him  
__I am thinking of you  
_-Thinking of You by Katy Perry

When he kissed me, a shudder of revulsion ran through me, but I pushed it down and squeezed my eyes shut tighter. I'd brought this on myself, I knew. I'd hurt you, and this was my sacrifice. I hadn't meant to hurt you, though. I was just trying to do what was best for you, even if it hurt me.

"Rin," he breathed, and my eyes shut tighter. I hated the smell of his breath, the feel of his skin, the colour of his hair, the way he spoke, the masculinity of his voice, everything about him. He wasn't a despicable guy at all, though, but how was I meant to love him when I thought of you every time we kissed?

"Shh," I hushed as I drew away for that brief second, keeping my eyes shut. If I didn't let myself smell him, if he didn't speak, if I kept my eyes shut, I could pretend it was you. If he was quiet, if he let me pretend, I could deal with being his girl. If I pretended it was alright, I would be alright. No, that was a lie. Pretending was never enough. It wasn't alright, I wasn't alright, I hated it, hated it.

He was urged on by my response, though, and so I let him pull the purple-haired boy onto the couch with him as my arms looped around his broad shoulders. I arched up into him in response to the touch that made me sick, hoping he wouldn't notice the fakeness behind my moans or that the shivers of pleasure were truly ones of revulsion. If he didn't notice that I wanted to cry, it would be alright. If he didn't notice that I wanted nothing more than to run to you, it would be alright. If I just held on tight, it would be alright. It would be alright, it would all be alright.

"_Dammit, Rin, don't you see that I don't care what other people think? I love _you_! I don't care about anybody else!"_

No. If I pushed your voice away, it would be alright. If I forgot the times when you held me like this, if I clung to the idea that you were happy now, if I didn't think of the one you'd had replace me—

"_Gumi's got a girlfriend, guys. Isn't that just weird?"_

"_Yeah, who knew she swung that way?"_

Dammit, Gumi. I was just trying to protect you. Did you really think I didn't love you anymore? Did you really think I loved this guy wrapping himself around me? My feelings for Gakupo were nothing! I'd just picked a guy, any guy, who was interested. I'd done it for your sake, Gumi.

"Rin, can I . . . ?" I hated the sound of his voice as he trailed off, and I wanted to cry knowing what he was asking, but I nodded all the same and tried not to shrink back at his touch as the hand he'd pressed against my stomach slipped under the fabric of the shirt. You'd bought me this shirt, Gumi, on our anniversary. It had been nonchalant, though. I doubted you remembered it. I did, though.

It felt like I was dying as he touched my skin. It was nothing like your warm, soft hands, Gumi. His hands were too big, too rough, too calloused. I hated the feel of his muscular chest and wished instead for your soft arms. It disgusted me that I let him do it, but what could I do? You'd moved on, and you'd told me to move on. I was trying, I really was. He was a great guy, but I didn't want him. I wanted only you.

"_Let's come out to everyone, Rin. We can come out of the closet – together."_

"_Aren't you afraid of the things they'll say about you, Gumi?"_

"_That doesn't bother me. You're the only thing that matters to me."_

"_It could endanger your chances of winning that scholarship, though."_

"_Pfft, please. I want nothing to do with it if that's going to chase them away."_

"_But—"_

"_Think about it, okay, Rin?"_

"_. . . Okay."_

I wasn't worried about myself at all, Gumi. I didn't care what they'd say about me. But it terrified me to think of the horrible things they'd say about you, and I wanted to protect you. I'd do everything I could to protect you, even if it meant losing you. I loved you that much. I know you loved me that much, too, though. Still, you'd moved on. That was my own fault, though, so I had no right to be upset. I still was, though. I always would be.

I sunk my hands into his hair, twining my fingers around long purple strands. With my eyes closed, I could almost pretend that it was that short, green hair of yours, but I knew it wasn't, and it made me feel so sick.

"_Have you ever been in love before, Gumi?"_

"_I guess so."_

"_With who?"_

"_You."_

"_But you just met me."_

"_I've loved you for a thousand years, Rin, and I'll love you for a thousand more."_

"_Only two thousand years of love? What about after that?"_

"_I'll find someone new. You'll be all old and wrinkly by then."_

"_You jerk. You'll be wrinkly too, you crazy woman."_

"_Yeah, but I have a feeling I'm going to age well. I don't get that feeling off you."_

"_You're so weird."_

Idle conversations in your bedroom, with my head on your lap as you absently ran your fingers along my hair. Every touch that came from you was electric, sending shudders down my spine. Every word you said with a smile as you looked down at me made me blush darker, smile wider. Everything you did made me happy. I knew it made you happy, too, but I wanted to protect you. I wanted to do what was best for you.

I wrenched my hands out of his hair and slid them onto his back as his kisses started trailing my jawline, slipping down onto my neck. I pulled myself up toward him despite wanting to get as far from him as possible. I couldn't think of you when I could feel the muscles of his chest, when I couldn't imagine the softness of your lips, when his hair fell around me in a way yours never did. His scent was overpowering, and I wanted to be sick. I missed you more than ever as I felt him laying his kisses on me. I wanted to be yours, not his, but I knew that we could never be the same again.

"_What the hell, Rin? What do you mean you want to break up?"_

"_If they find out about us, Gumi, imagine the things they'd say about you."_

"_Dammit, Rin, don't you see that I don't care what other people think? I love _you_! I don't care about anybody else!"_

"_But I care too much about you to let that happen, Gumi. I want to break up."_

"_. . . Even if we break up, Rin, I'll still love you. Nothing's going to change that."_

"_. . . I know."_

"_Then stay with me."_

"_I can't."_

I remembered the panic in your eyes, the anger, then the coldness, the heart-wrenching shattering. I remembered everything about that day, and I couldn't not regret it. I still loved you so much, but I had to do what was best for you. I had to protect you, any way that I could.

I winced as Gakupo pulled my shirt up, but I helped him pull it over all the same. He only saw my bra then, and I felt so terribly defiled. If I'd opened my eyes then, I might have ran away. This was my punishment. I had to live with the choices I'd made. I had to move on, learn to love him. He was a great guy. He just wasn't you.

"_Gumi, who's that girl?"_

"_Lily. She's my girlfriend. Got a problem with that?"_

"_. . . No, not at all."_

"_. . . You're the one who wanted to break up, Rin. You told me I had to move on. You moved on, so why can't I?"_

"_. . . Go right ahead."_

"_I will."_

That was the last time I'd spoken to you. It had been over a month ago. You'd moved on, with another girl. I had to move on, too, with him. He cared for me, despite all my flaws, so I should have been able to return the favour, but I couldn't. I loved you too much. I never wanted to let you go.

"No," I murmured then, but Gakupo didn't stop, so I pressed my hands against his chest and pushed him away gently. "No."

He stopped then and pulled back to stare at me as I opened my eyes for the first time. He wasn't you. I didn't want him. I wanted you. And when those words came from his lips, that was all I could think of. "What's wrong?"

I didn't know what to say, so I just stared at him and thought of you and only you. Your voice, your laugh, your smile, your sweet words, your soft hands, your lips, your kiss, your love, your eyes. I wanted to be the one in your eyes. I didn't want Lily to be there, and I didn't want to be in Gakupo's eyes, either. I wanted you back more than anything.

– _The first miracle was that you were born into this world _–

I paused as that song came into the room, vibrating in the pocket of my jean shorts. I stared at Gakupo and slowly moved my hand to take my cellphone and bring it up to my ear. Flipping it open, I murmured gently, "Hello?"

"Rin, where are you right now?"

I couldn't breathe as your voice came to my ears, and I pushed Gakupo further away so I could sit up. "Gumi?"

"Where are you, Rin? I'm serious! I'm at your house, and your parents say that you didn't come home tonight! You've got us all freaking out, you idiot!"

I smiled gently. Your voice. That was the only voice I wanted to hear. So I didn't care when I stood up, pulling my shirt back over my head as Gakupo stared at me in confusion, and murmured, "Just tying up some loose ends. I should be home soon."

"You idiot! We're really worried here, you know!"

"One second," I murmured absently, covering the voice receiver in the phone with my thumb and pulling it away from my ear before you could respond. With a sad smile at Gakupo, who truly deserved much better, I requested, "Gakupo, let's break up."

His eyes widened in shock as he stammered out something I wasn't listening to. I'd go back later to do it properly, but, at that moment, nothing was more important than getting out of there. So, as I made my way out his front door and along the street, I brought the phone back to my ear and wondered, "Gumi?"

"What?"

I was quiet for a moment with that gentle smile still on my lips before I murmured one phrase to you.

"_I'll wait you for as long as it takes for you to take me back."_


End file.
